I’ve spent just shy of a year working on my mental and physical health. I felt overwhelmed all the time, trapped in circumstances that I couldn’t seem to change, and so I drank. I drank wine pretty much every day for so many reasons, good reasons, lame reasons, and I hid it so well that only when I overdid it did my daughter or my boyfriend notice. But it was like walking a tightrope all the time because I knew that when I crossed that invisible line, I became a beligerent, angry, emotional mess. This part of myself felt justified in saying everything that came out of my mouth then.

Some people might say that that part of me is the true me and that I’m letting my real feelings out, but the sober me disagrees. The sober me loves her people and appreciates the life she has, and the other me, the one on the other side of that invisible line, is mean and spiteful, envious and self-pitying and has come very close to losing relationships because of her sharp tongue and relentless anger, and I hate her. If someone told me I would be guaranteed never to see that part of me again if I cut off my arm, I would do it. So why is taking alcohol out of my life worse than cutting off my arm?

This is my conundrum. So I see a counsellor, and I journal, and I count my drinks and log them on an app, and sometimes I get through a day or two without drinking. But my liver has toughening tissue, my blood pressure is high, and I am 40 pounds overweight. I know it’s just a matter of time before the drinking leads to irreversible health issues if I don’t clean up my act.

On the upside, I joined a gym that suits my short attention span and need for variety and am getting stronger. This makes me feel better about things. Along with this blog, I want to get back to the things I love and try new things that might replace wine. But it’s been a long, slow road so far. I try to remember the saying that goes something like “fall down nine times, get up ten.”
I would love to hear from anyone who resonates with this. How are you doing, my friend? Tell me about your journey, and maybe we can fumble along together.