Ok, so now that I’m over being pissed off at my counsellor for saying that I sounded like a teenager when I was expressing once again how I am not interested in sex since menopause, and I feel obliged to still participate in sex because I worry that my boyfriend will leave if I don’t, I had a revelation, she was right! Not only was she right, I was wrong and I was lying to myself.

I admire her for being brave enough to call me on my bullshit. They weren’t the words I would have used, but it turns out that it’s super refreshing to have someone say something in totally blunt terms to get a message through to someone they care about when nothing else has gotten through to them. In today’s emotional environment, if you are not completely understanding of everyone’s problems, misbehaviour, or decisions, then you’re a bad person. It has left me with the distinct feeling that my relationships miss the depth of the friendships that I had in my younger years. I feel that any misstep will lead to the loss of a relationship. This possibility of loss brings back the feelings of loss from past close relationships that ended abruptly or just faded away to nothing.

So now, like the insecure child that I thought I left behind when I became an adult, I find myself surrounded by relationships that I never let grow, develop, and possibly die. These shallow connections aren’t what I want out of life. I want to have real, deep, possibly messy relationships, and I want to risk losing some people in my life in exchange for this deeper connection with true friends and not just acquaintances who really don’t know me.

Truth be told, I still like sex a lot, but not when I’m tired and stressed, and not when I feel obliged to perform. My boyfriend did not put this pressure on me; I did it to myself. For one reason or another, we have barely had sex this month, and guess what? He is still here, and he’s not mad or resentful. He’s the same wonderful man I found six years ago.

Yes, my counsellor was right; I did sound like a teenager. I was also wrong, I still like sex very much, and I was lying to myself that I had to do something I didn’t want to do to keep my relationship.

Being honest with myself and trying to deepen relationships by being my real self is going to be an interesting journey. I have believed my lies, public persona and the excuses I made for shielding myself from pain for so long that I don’t know where to begin. So I’ll start here, where I am today.